"Fireworks and Jelly" by Emily Crawford
I turn on the bath tap as hot as I can stand it, draining half a bottle of eucalyptus bubble bath into the near scalding water. While the tub fills, I go to the sink and scrub off all the stupid makeup I went to the trouble of putting on for this stupid date. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. At all. I was supposed to be deliriously giddy with happiness. I was supposed to be already picking out a china pattern for me and Jon. I sink down into the water, trying to rub away my burgeoning headache. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my stupid brain?
It all started last Wednesday in Brit Lit. Mr. Watson had us all get into groups of two to discuss the themes in A Tale of Two Cities. Jon sat in front of me as usual, so we paired off. I liked working with him. I always thought he was a neat guy because he doesn’t blow off Brit Lit like half the other students do. Pretty impressive for a basketball player.
“So, obviously Carton can be compared to Christ in a million ways, like how he died in place of Dar—”
“Hey, Anna?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you maybe—I mean—would it be cool if we went out sometime?”
I choked a little on my own spit. I stared directly down at my book, unable to look him inthe eyes. It occurred to me that Jon actually expected me to answer his question, and for the lifeof me, I had no idea what I wanted to say. I mean, he was friendly, and it seemed like he showered regularly, which is kind of a tall order for a boy. And he was handsome, I guess. Every girl in school thought so. What harm could it really do to say yes, right?
“Uh, yeah, sure! That would be great.”
His face lit up like a Christmas tree, and I was suddenly incredibly glad that I hadn’t said no. There was no telling how awful his sad face would look. “Awesome! Can I get your number?”
“Yeah, of course.” I wrote my number on a Post-It or him. He folded it carefully and tucked it into his wallet. He turned around in his seat, facing forward. He had completely forgotten that we still had to discuss the book, so I sat there in silence trying to find the page where Carton says he would die for Lucie when the bell finally rang. I scooped all my stuff into my backpack and headed for the door. I saw Jon waving goodbye at me from the corner of my eye, and in my hurry, I sort of flopped my hand around like a dead fish at him.
I got to my lunch table, and Elizabeth was already there. I sat down next to her and fidgeted. I had to tell her about Jon now. She’d kill me if she ended up hearing it from someone else later.
“So, hey,” I said, picking at my turkey sub which was magically dry and mushy at the same time.
“God, did you see Steve Rikers in the lunch line? There were three cartons of chicken nuggets left, and he bought them all! Total asshole.” She scowled down at the taco salad she was forced to buy instead. First rule of thumb with Elizabeth: never call her Liz, Eliza, Lizzie, or—God forbid—Beth. It’s Elizabeth unless you want her to rip your throat out.
“Yeah, about that—”
“I mean, where does that guy get off? Just because the wrestlers are supposed to eat a ton doesn’t mean they have to hog everything.”
“Elizabeth, I need to tell you something.”
Her ears perked up at that. Me needing to tell her something meant gossip, and Elizabeth lived for gossip. “Oh, do tell, mon amie.” She scooted her chair a foot closer to mine. The screech of metal on tile made me flinch.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Best to get it over with quickly. “You know Jon Campbell?”
“Boy, do I.” She rested her head lazily onto her hand, her eyes glazing over.
“Well, he kind of asked me on a date today.”
Her eyes flicked up to mine. “He did what?”
“Who did what?” asked our other friend Lauren as she sat down.
“Jon Campbell asked Anna out!” said Elizabeth, squealing with delight.
Lauren’s eyes got wide. “Holy shit. Good job, Anna!”
“Why are we congratulating Anna?” said our other other friend Susan, setting down her tray.
Lauren grabbed Susan’s hands gleefully. “Anna’s got a date with Jon Campbell!” Susan slid right out of her seat in shock, halfway pulling Lauren down with her. They hurriedly righted themselves, eager to hear every last detail of how it all went down.
Elizabeth scooted so close to me now that she practically landed in my lap. “Anna. You have to let me help you get ready. I will not take no for an answer.” I wouldn’t have given no for an answer. Elizabeth’s dream is to be a the captain of a police squad who moonlights as a cosmetologist, and if anyone can do it, she can. Plus, I figured I could use the help. I was a nice looking girl, but that’s all I was. Not especially pretty or eye-catching, just nice. Elizabeth, on the other hand, has been a total bombshell since we were thirteen. She liked to make out with a random guy once in a blue moon for fun, but she refused to date. She said it was to focus on school. I believed her, but I knew she loved driving guys crazy as well.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. The number was unfamiliar, so I figured it was Jon.
He had sent me twenty smiling poop emojis followed by Friday at 7pm? Hm. Cute. I shot a quick reply. Sure! Can’t wait!
“Was that him? What did he say?” I handed my phone to Elizabeth, cringing. “Hm. Cute. So, I’ll be at your house at 4 to get you ready on Friday.”
“You’re going to need three hours?”
“I mean, it would be great to have five, but there’s school that day.”
True to her word, Elizabeth used every bit of the three hours she requested to get me ready. I didn’t mind it. I spent a lot of that time sitting in a chair, so I got a good snooze in while she worked on my hair and nails. When she finally let me see, I was decently surprised. My hair had shape and volume, and my eyes looked twice as big as usual. She made me put in contacts, which were itchy, but I swore I wouldn’t rub at them.
The doorbell rang. I looked at Elizabeth with pure dread in my eyes. She hugged me tight. “You’ll be fine, okay? Just go have fun!”
***
His lips landed on mine. They were soft, pillowy. He kissed gently, but with an urgency like he had been wanting to for a while. That was nice of him. He seemed like he knew what he was doing, and he didn’t vomit into my mouth, so I guess I did too.
I felt absolutely nothing.
I may as well have been making out with a head of lettuce.
You always read in books that you’ll see fireworks and feel like jelly and your whole world will flip upside down and backward when you kiss That Special Someone. I didn’t exactly ever buy into all that malarky, but I expected...you know... something. Anything. He wasn’t spitting all over me or ramming his tongue down my throat or being too forceful, so I wasn’t grossed out exactly. I just wasn’t having any fun. At all. And that was one of the most terrifying things in the world.
I had been hoping to God that everything before had been a total fluke. My disinterest when Jon asked me out was just drowsiness. Me being bored at dinner was just the bland chicken. Me wanting him to take his damn arm off my shoulders at the movie was just the theater being too hot. That kiss, however, sealed the deal. Something was horribly wrong with me.
He finally pulled away, smiling. “Wow,” he said.
“Yeah. Wow.” I said, afraid that he could see right through me.
“I’ll text you?”
“Yeah! Yes! Sure!” I said too frantically, but Lover Boy was apparently too blissed out to notice. I slid out of the car, wanting desperately to get out of there. I tore up the driveway and into the house. Mom and Dad were curled up on the couch watching their reality shows. I power-walked past them, not wanting to talk about the date.
“Hey, honey! How did it go?” Mom asked.
“Yeah, fine. Need a bath,” I said over my shoulder, already kicking out of my shoes and shuffing my cardigan on my way to the bathroom.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
I could practically feel her craning her neck and wrinkling her forehead in worry. I slammed the door shut and locked it behind me. Her concern was sweet, but so completely not what I needed.
And so, here I am. Soaking myself soggy in the tub, waiting to feel better. Waiting to decide that actually that kiss was the best thing ever, and I’m totally into Jon, and we can live happily ever after now! But, alas. I’ve been sitting here for nearly forty-five minutes, almost all the bubbles are gone, and that kiss still felt like zilch. Boo.
I remember that Elizabeth wanted me to call her, but what the heck am I supposed to tell her now? Hey Elizabeth! You know that boy that every girl in school has swooned over since he hit puberty? Well, turns out I’ve had more fun shopping for bread than going out with him. Whoops! I vow to get that conversation out of the way in the morning. For now, I just want some peace.
I finally drain the tub and go to bed, slinking quietly into my bedroom so my parents don’t hear and start asking questions again. I shimmy under the covers and grab my big stuffed hedgehog Martin, squeezing him tight against my chest. He has gotten me through so many hurt feelings, C-minuses, and crappy Quiz Bowl matches, but now his cuddliness is no match for the confusion I feel.
I wake from my restless sleep at about 8:00am. I stare at my phone for a minute. I turn on my laptop and shut it off again. I reach for the book on my nightstand and try to read a couple pages before realizing that I’m reading the same sentence over and over again, so I give up on that. I decide that it’s best to just get it over with and grab my phone to send her a text.
Me: Hey, do you think you could come over? I really want to talk about the date, but not over the phone.
Elizabeth: I’ll be there right away.
When she arrives, she’s carrying two cups of black coffee and some breakfast burritos. My hero.
“So, spill! I waited until 3am to hear from you last night.” She puckers her lip pitifully. Far be it from me to come between Elizabeth and her beauty sleep. There’s a reason when people ask her name, she says “Like the queen.”
“Well, we had an okay time, I guess.” I take a gulp of coffee, savoring the caffeine zipping straight to my brain. Some of the fog in my head clears.
“Yeah, and?” She sits at my desk chair, and her feet are tapping with nervous energy.
“He was really nice, Elizabeth, but—”
“But what? Does he have VD? Did he make you pay? Is he sweaty? What?!”
“No! I just didn’t have much fun really, and when he kissed me—”
“He kissed you?!” She squeals, kicking her feet rapidly. “I have to tell the girls.” She whips out her phone and starts typing lightning fast.
“No! Jesus, will you listen?” I heave a huge sigh. I never snap at Elizabeth, and she notices. She hits the power button on her phone.
“Okay, you’re right. I’m totally here now, okay?” She leans in, ready to hear me speak. I smile. She really does mean well. Usually.
“He kissed me, and it was a big, fat nothing. I mean, he was a nice guy and a good kisser, but I didn’t feel anything. I feel terrible for it.” I flop back onto my pillow, relieved that someone finally knows what’s wrong.
“I wondered if this might happen.” Her voice lilts like she has a secret.
My head lifts up to look at her. “Wait, what?”
“Anna, think about it. Have you ever had a crush on a guy? Like, ever?”
I sit up fully. “Well, of course I have! There was—you know, that guy from—the thing.”
She raises an eyebrow at me. “Okay, so I guess I’ve never really had a crush yet. That doesn’t mean anything. I just haven’t found the right guy, that’s all.”
She sighs heavily. “Or maybe you’re just not looking in the right places.”
“What do you mean? Where should I look, online?”
“God, no. Look, do you remember that girl Melanie from summer camp two years ago?”
“Yeah. We still email sometimes.”
She perks up like she’s getting somewhere. “And do you remember how you two were practically inseparable the whole four weeks?”
“Yeah?”
“And how when the rest of us snuck off to boys’ camp across the lake, you guys stayed behind to play checkers all night?”
“Yeah...”
She stares at me.
Oh.
Now I know what she’s getting at. Because Melanie and I didn’t play checkers. Well, we did, and I won eight out of the ten games, but there was...other stuff. Secret stuff that I never told anyone about, not even Elizabeth, because I was terrified of what it could mean about me. Stuff that I don’t even let myself think about anymore because it nearly scares me to death.
“Oh, come on.”
“Anna.”
“Elizabeth, that was nothing. Nothing happened.” I try to laugh it off, but my face is getting hot and my pulse quickens. I don’t like this.
“Oh, God, Anna. Everyone at camp knew something was going on with you two, and you’re pretty much confirming it now.”
“We were just—that didn’t mean anything.” I cross my arms over my stomach and swallow hard, trying to keep my insides from coming out.
“What didn’t, Anna?”
“Nothing! None of it did. I mean...God, I don’t know.” I feel pinpricks jabbing themselves all up my legs and in my fingers. My stomach twists, and I almost retch.
She closes her eyes tight and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Anna, you mean to tell me that you hooked up with a girl two years ago, you still talk to her, and it meant nothing?”
“We just kissed! We were kids, and we were experimenting, and it was just kissing, okay?” Tears are pricking at my eyes, and I try desperately to suck them back.
“Oh, yeah, because we suck face all the time for fun, right?”
I stand up from the bed, and tears are freely falling from my face now. “You have no idea how this feels for me right now! You like boys! You’ve always liked boys, and I will never ever in my life know how that feels, don’t you get it?! I want to just be normal, but I can’t! I’m a fucking freak, I’m learning this just now, and I hate it! I completely and totally hate this about myself.” I stand there heaving deep breaths and trying to calm down. My heart thrums heavily against my sternum. Snot dribbles down over my lips, and my glasses are smeared with tears.
Elizabeth’s arms wrap around me tightly, and she squeezes me hard. “You’re right, okay? You’re right. I don’t get it. In fact, I may never actually get it. But I can be here, and I can listen.” She holds me at arms’ length to look me in the eyes. “Anna, you’re my best friend. We can get through this together.”
“Oh, so my being a—a lesbian is something to get through, right?”
She groans, her arms flopping to her sides. “You know that’s not what I meant! I’m just trying to be supportive, alright? I feel different and weird too, sometimes.”
“We’re not talking about you, Elizabeth. For once, we’re actually talking about me, okay?” My voice bites at her.
“Okay, hurtful, but fair enough.” She squeezes the back of her neck, choosing her next words carefully. “You know, you’re totally right. You’ve always been there for me when it’s been shitty. You’ve been there for all my heartbreaks, my parents breaking up. Hell, ever since I told you about my crash diet phase, you’ve watched me eat like a mamma bird.”
I scoff a little, remembering how we cried together while I held her hand and she sucked down a vanilla milkshake.
“The point is, I want to be there for you like you’ve been there for me, Anna. I may not be totally perfect at it. In fact, judging how this is going, sometimes I might actually suck at it. I want to try, though. I really do, and I swear to God, I’ll do the best I can.”
I close my eyes, trying to calm down. Tears still squeeze out from behind my eyes, but I manage to slow down my shaking breaths. I look up at Elizabeth, and now she’s crying too. I grab the box of Kleenex from my desk and set them on the bed for us to share. I sit next to her and sigh deeply.
“I don’t even know where to begin with all this.”
She cracks a tiny, crooked smile. “Well, obviously, neither do I. But we’ll figure it out, okay? Like we always do.”
I smile back. “Okay. Thanks, Elizabeth. Really.”
She grins at me slyly, throwing an arm around my shoulder. “Maybe you could start by giving Melanie a call. She only lives like twenty minutes away, you know.”
I turn on the bath tap as hot as I can stand it, draining half a bottle of eucalyptus bubble bath into the near scalding water. While the tub fills, I go to the sink and scrub off all the stupid makeup I went to the trouble of putting on for this stupid date. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. At all. I was supposed to be deliriously giddy with happiness. I was supposed to be already picking out a china pattern for me and Jon. I sink down into the water, trying to rub away my burgeoning headache. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my stupid brain?
It all started last Wednesday in Brit Lit. Mr. Watson had us all get into groups of two to discuss the themes in A Tale of Two Cities. Jon sat in front of me as usual, so we paired off. I liked working with him. I always thought he was a neat guy because he doesn’t blow off Brit Lit like half the other students do. Pretty impressive for a basketball player.
“So, obviously Carton can be compared to Christ in a million ways, like how he died in place of Dar—”
“Hey, Anna?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you maybe—I mean—would it be cool if we went out sometime?”
I choked a little on my own spit. I stared directly down at my book, unable to look him inthe eyes. It occurred to me that Jon actually expected me to answer his question, and for the lifeof me, I had no idea what I wanted to say. I mean, he was friendly, and it seemed like he showered regularly, which is kind of a tall order for a boy. And he was handsome, I guess. Every girl in school thought so. What harm could it really do to say yes, right?
“Uh, yeah, sure! That would be great.”
His face lit up like a Christmas tree, and I was suddenly incredibly glad that I hadn’t said no. There was no telling how awful his sad face would look. “Awesome! Can I get your number?”
“Yeah, of course.” I wrote my number on a Post-It or him. He folded it carefully and tucked it into his wallet. He turned around in his seat, facing forward. He had completely forgotten that we still had to discuss the book, so I sat there in silence trying to find the page where Carton says he would die for Lucie when the bell finally rang. I scooped all my stuff into my backpack and headed for the door. I saw Jon waving goodbye at me from the corner of my eye, and in my hurry, I sort of flopped my hand around like a dead fish at him.
I got to my lunch table, and Elizabeth was already there. I sat down next to her and fidgeted. I had to tell her about Jon now. She’d kill me if she ended up hearing it from someone else later.
“So, hey,” I said, picking at my turkey sub which was magically dry and mushy at the same time.
“God, did you see Steve Rikers in the lunch line? There were three cartons of chicken nuggets left, and he bought them all! Total asshole.” She scowled down at the taco salad she was forced to buy instead. First rule of thumb with Elizabeth: never call her Liz, Eliza, Lizzie, or—God forbid—Beth. It’s Elizabeth unless you want her to rip your throat out.
“Yeah, about that—”
“I mean, where does that guy get off? Just because the wrestlers are supposed to eat a ton doesn’t mean they have to hog everything.”
“Elizabeth, I need to tell you something.”
Her ears perked up at that. Me needing to tell her something meant gossip, and Elizabeth lived for gossip. “Oh, do tell, mon amie.” She scooted her chair a foot closer to mine. The screech of metal on tile made me flinch.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Best to get it over with quickly. “You know Jon Campbell?”
“Boy, do I.” She rested her head lazily onto her hand, her eyes glazing over.
“Well, he kind of asked me on a date today.”
Her eyes flicked up to mine. “He did what?”
“Who did what?” asked our other friend Lauren as she sat down.
“Jon Campbell asked Anna out!” said Elizabeth, squealing with delight.
Lauren’s eyes got wide. “Holy shit. Good job, Anna!”
“Why are we congratulating Anna?” said our other other friend Susan, setting down her tray.
Lauren grabbed Susan’s hands gleefully. “Anna’s got a date with Jon Campbell!” Susan slid right out of her seat in shock, halfway pulling Lauren down with her. They hurriedly righted themselves, eager to hear every last detail of how it all went down.
Elizabeth scooted so close to me now that she practically landed in my lap. “Anna. You have to let me help you get ready. I will not take no for an answer.” I wouldn’t have given no for an answer. Elizabeth’s dream is to be a the captain of a police squad who moonlights as a cosmetologist, and if anyone can do it, she can. Plus, I figured I could use the help. I was a nice looking girl, but that’s all I was. Not especially pretty or eye-catching, just nice. Elizabeth, on the other hand, has been a total bombshell since we were thirteen. She liked to make out with a random guy once in a blue moon for fun, but she refused to date. She said it was to focus on school. I believed her, but I knew she loved driving guys crazy as well.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. The number was unfamiliar, so I figured it was Jon.
He had sent me twenty smiling poop emojis followed by Friday at 7pm? Hm. Cute. I shot a quick reply. Sure! Can’t wait!
“Was that him? What did he say?” I handed my phone to Elizabeth, cringing. “Hm. Cute. So, I’ll be at your house at 4 to get you ready on Friday.”
“You’re going to need three hours?”
“I mean, it would be great to have five, but there’s school that day.”
True to her word, Elizabeth used every bit of the three hours she requested to get me ready. I didn’t mind it. I spent a lot of that time sitting in a chair, so I got a good snooze in while she worked on my hair and nails. When she finally let me see, I was decently surprised. My hair had shape and volume, and my eyes looked twice as big as usual. She made me put in contacts, which were itchy, but I swore I wouldn’t rub at them.
The doorbell rang. I looked at Elizabeth with pure dread in my eyes. She hugged me tight. “You’ll be fine, okay? Just go have fun!”
***
His lips landed on mine. They were soft, pillowy. He kissed gently, but with an urgency like he had been wanting to for a while. That was nice of him. He seemed like he knew what he was doing, and he didn’t vomit into my mouth, so I guess I did too.
I felt absolutely nothing.
I may as well have been making out with a head of lettuce.
You always read in books that you’ll see fireworks and feel like jelly and your whole world will flip upside down and backward when you kiss That Special Someone. I didn’t exactly ever buy into all that malarky, but I expected...you know... something. Anything. He wasn’t spitting all over me or ramming his tongue down my throat or being too forceful, so I wasn’t grossed out exactly. I just wasn’t having any fun. At all. And that was one of the most terrifying things in the world.
I had been hoping to God that everything before had been a total fluke. My disinterest when Jon asked me out was just drowsiness. Me being bored at dinner was just the bland chicken. Me wanting him to take his damn arm off my shoulders at the movie was just the theater being too hot. That kiss, however, sealed the deal. Something was horribly wrong with me.
He finally pulled away, smiling. “Wow,” he said.
“Yeah. Wow.” I said, afraid that he could see right through me.
“I’ll text you?”
“Yeah! Yes! Sure!” I said too frantically, but Lover Boy was apparently too blissed out to notice. I slid out of the car, wanting desperately to get out of there. I tore up the driveway and into the house. Mom and Dad were curled up on the couch watching their reality shows. I power-walked past them, not wanting to talk about the date.
“Hey, honey! How did it go?” Mom asked.
“Yeah, fine. Need a bath,” I said over my shoulder, already kicking out of my shoes and shuffing my cardigan on my way to the bathroom.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
I could practically feel her craning her neck and wrinkling her forehead in worry. I slammed the door shut and locked it behind me. Her concern was sweet, but so completely not what I needed.
And so, here I am. Soaking myself soggy in the tub, waiting to feel better. Waiting to decide that actually that kiss was the best thing ever, and I’m totally into Jon, and we can live happily ever after now! But, alas. I’ve been sitting here for nearly forty-five minutes, almost all the bubbles are gone, and that kiss still felt like zilch. Boo.
I remember that Elizabeth wanted me to call her, but what the heck am I supposed to tell her now? Hey Elizabeth! You know that boy that every girl in school has swooned over since he hit puberty? Well, turns out I’ve had more fun shopping for bread than going out with him. Whoops! I vow to get that conversation out of the way in the morning. For now, I just want some peace.
I finally drain the tub and go to bed, slinking quietly into my bedroom so my parents don’t hear and start asking questions again. I shimmy under the covers and grab my big stuffed hedgehog Martin, squeezing him tight against my chest. He has gotten me through so many hurt feelings, C-minuses, and crappy Quiz Bowl matches, but now his cuddliness is no match for the confusion I feel.
I wake from my restless sleep at about 8:00am. I stare at my phone for a minute. I turn on my laptop and shut it off again. I reach for the book on my nightstand and try to read a couple pages before realizing that I’m reading the same sentence over and over again, so I give up on that. I decide that it’s best to just get it over with and grab my phone to send her a text.
Me: Hey, do you think you could come over? I really want to talk about the date, but not over the phone.
Elizabeth: I’ll be there right away.
When she arrives, she’s carrying two cups of black coffee and some breakfast burritos. My hero.
“So, spill! I waited until 3am to hear from you last night.” She puckers her lip pitifully. Far be it from me to come between Elizabeth and her beauty sleep. There’s a reason when people ask her name, she says “Like the queen.”
“Well, we had an okay time, I guess.” I take a gulp of coffee, savoring the caffeine zipping straight to my brain. Some of the fog in my head clears.
“Yeah, and?” She sits at my desk chair, and her feet are tapping with nervous energy.
“He was really nice, Elizabeth, but—”
“But what? Does he have VD? Did he make you pay? Is he sweaty? What?!”
“No! I just didn’t have much fun really, and when he kissed me—”
“He kissed you?!” She squeals, kicking her feet rapidly. “I have to tell the girls.” She whips out her phone and starts typing lightning fast.
“No! Jesus, will you listen?” I heave a huge sigh. I never snap at Elizabeth, and she notices. She hits the power button on her phone.
“Okay, you’re right. I’m totally here now, okay?” She leans in, ready to hear me speak. I smile. She really does mean well. Usually.
“He kissed me, and it was a big, fat nothing. I mean, he was a nice guy and a good kisser, but I didn’t feel anything. I feel terrible for it.” I flop back onto my pillow, relieved that someone finally knows what’s wrong.
“I wondered if this might happen.” Her voice lilts like she has a secret.
My head lifts up to look at her. “Wait, what?”
“Anna, think about it. Have you ever had a crush on a guy? Like, ever?”
I sit up fully. “Well, of course I have! There was—you know, that guy from—the thing.”
She raises an eyebrow at me. “Okay, so I guess I’ve never really had a crush yet. That doesn’t mean anything. I just haven’t found the right guy, that’s all.”
She sighs heavily. “Or maybe you’re just not looking in the right places.”
“What do you mean? Where should I look, online?”
“God, no. Look, do you remember that girl Melanie from summer camp two years ago?”
“Yeah. We still email sometimes.”
She perks up like she’s getting somewhere. “And do you remember how you two were practically inseparable the whole four weeks?”
“Yeah?”
“And how when the rest of us snuck off to boys’ camp across the lake, you guys stayed behind to play checkers all night?”
“Yeah...”
She stares at me.
Oh.
Now I know what she’s getting at. Because Melanie and I didn’t play checkers. Well, we did, and I won eight out of the ten games, but there was...other stuff. Secret stuff that I never told anyone about, not even Elizabeth, because I was terrified of what it could mean about me. Stuff that I don’t even let myself think about anymore because it nearly scares me to death.
“Oh, come on.”
“Anna.”
“Elizabeth, that was nothing. Nothing happened.” I try to laugh it off, but my face is getting hot and my pulse quickens. I don’t like this.
“Oh, God, Anna. Everyone at camp knew something was going on with you two, and you’re pretty much confirming it now.”
“We were just—that didn’t mean anything.” I cross my arms over my stomach and swallow hard, trying to keep my insides from coming out.
“What didn’t, Anna?”
“Nothing! None of it did. I mean...God, I don’t know.” I feel pinpricks jabbing themselves all up my legs and in my fingers. My stomach twists, and I almost retch.
She closes her eyes tight and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Anna, you mean to tell me that you hooked up with a girl two years ago, you still talk to her, and it meant nothing?”
“We just kissed! We were kids, and we were experimenting, and it was just kissing, okay?” Tears are pricking at my eyes, and I try desperately to suck them back.
“Oh, yeah, because we suck face all the time for fun, right?”
I stand up from the bed, and tears are freely falling from my face now. “You have no idea how this feels for me right now! You like boys! You’ve always liked boys, and I will never ever in my life know how that feels, don’t you get it?! I want to just be normal, but I can’t! I’m a fucking freak, I’m learning this just now, and I hate it! I completely and totally hate this about myself.” I stand there heaving deep breaths and trying to calm down. My heart thrums heavily against my sternum. Snot dribbles down over my lips, and my glasses are smeared with tears.
Elizabeth’s arms wrap around me tightly, and she squeezes me hard. “You’re right, okay? You’re right. I don’t get it. In fact, I may never actually get it. But I can be here, and I can listen.” She holds me at arms’ length to look me in the eyes. “Anna, you’re my best friend. We can get through this together.”
“Oh, so my being a—a lesbian is something to get through, right?”
She groans, her arms flopping to her sides. “You know that’s not what I meant! I’m just trying to be supportive, alright? I feel different and weird too, sometimes.”
“We’re not talking about you, Elizabeth. For once, we’re actually talking about me, okay?” My voice bites at her.
“Okay, hurtful, but fair enough.” She squeezes the back of her neck, choosing her next words carefully. “You know, you’re totally right. You’ve always been there for me when it’s been shitty. You’ve been there for all my heartbreaks, my parents breaking up. Hell, ever since I told you about my crash diet phase, you’ve watched me eat like a mamma bird.”
I scoff a little, remembering how we cried together while I held her hand and she sucked down a vanilla milkshake.
“The point is, I want to be there for you like you’ve been there for me, Anna. I may not be totally perfect at it. In fact, judging how this is going, sometimes I might actually suck at it. I want to try, though. I really do, and I swear to God, I’ll do the best I can.”
I close my eyes, trying to calm down. Tears still squeeze out from behind my eyes, but I manage to slow down my shaking breaths. I look up at Elizabeth, and now she’s crying too. I grab the box of Kleenex from my desk and set them on the bed for us to share. I sit next to her and sigh deeply.
“I don’t even know where to begin with all this.”
She cracks a tiny, crooked smile. “Well, obviously, neither do I. But we’ll figure it out, okay? Like we always do.”
I smile back. “Okay. Thanks, Elizabeth. Really.”
She grins at me slyly, throwing an arm around my shoulder. “Maybe you could start by giving Melanie a call. She only lives like twenty minutes away, you know.”