The Dastardly Three
Script By Jackson Gress
SCENE ONE
An empty stage.
A gruff man wearing black jeans, a baggy t-shirt, and a beanie, FINN, scrambles onto the stage, facing offstage. He is pantomiming shooting a handgun offstage at some unseen threat.
FINN: This way, Eric, hurry!
ERIC, a handsome young man in a leather jacket, follows FINN onstage. He, too, pantomimes shooting a handgun offstage.
FINN: Under here!
ERIC & FINN crouch down behind an invisible box, providing them cover.
FINN: That was way too close, dude. You keep pulling stuff like that, we’ll never make it to the next checkpoint.
ERIC: Listen, Finn, you were fucking pinned down out there. If I hadn’t fucking lobbed that grenade, they’d have pissed you out right there. Damn, you should be fucking thanking me!
FINN: I would’ve been fine! Now every enemy in this building knows we’re here.
ERIC: Do you have any more health packs?
FINN: No. You used them all already.
ERIC: Shit! I’m almost out of health.
FINN: Well, you wouldn’t be if you hadn’t thrown that grenade!
ERIC: Shut up.
They quickly launch upward to launch a few shots at their opponents, before retreating back to cover. Yells such as “Got ‘em!” and “Missed!”
ERIC: Switch!
They quickly and gracefully switch sides. It’s clear they’ve done this particular move before. They continue shooting.
ERIC: Alright, I think it’s time for the Double Fister.
FINN: Are you sure? You’ll die!
ERIC: I’ll be fine, just trust me!
FINN: … Okay! One… two… three!
Both of them simultaneously launch upward and charge forward at their invisible enemies. They zigzag as they go forward, constantly switching sides with each other. This works seamlessly - until:
ERIC: Fuck! I’m hit!
ERIC stumbles backward and collapses to the ground.
FINN: Eric, no!
ERIC: Keep going, buddy, don’t worry about me! (Dies.)
OMNIPRESENT VOICE: Player one, defeated.
FINN: Okay. (He continues shooting for a few more seconds until he, too, gets hit.) No! (He collapses to the ground.)
OMNIPRESENT VOICE: GAME OVER.
The two men stand up.
ERIC: God fucking DAMN it!
FINN: Hey, this is the farthest we’ve gotten. Look on the bright side.
ERIC: The bright side? The fucking bright side? We’ve been working on this fucking level all week, and you want me to look at the motherfucking goddamn bright side!?
FINN: Hey, chill out, it’s just a game.
ERIC: You’re right. Sorry. Let’s just reload and do this again.
FINN: Sorry, I can’t. Mom says it’s time for dinner.
ERIC: Aw, c’mon man! We can’t just end like that!
FINN: Mom’ll get pissed if I don’t come for dinner. You know how she gets when she’s mad.
ERIC: Yeah. What a fucking bitch.
FINN: Hey!
ERIC: Sorry. (Beat.) So… try again tomorrow?
FINN: You betcha.
Blackout.
SCENE TWO:
LIGHTS UP on ERIC facing forward.
ERIC: Hey, Finn, you ready?
FINN (Offstage): Just a second! (ERIC enters the stage.) Alright, let’s do this.
A woman with a white pixie cut and wearing a black leather jacket, jeans, and combat boots awkwardly enters the stage.
ERIC: Uh, Eric… who’s that?
FINN: So, um, that’s my little sister, Tara.
ERIC (Growling): Tara, can you leave us alone, please?
TARA: It’s not fair that you get to hog the TV all the time. I never get to watch Disney Channel!
FINN: Mom said I have to let her play with us.
ERIC: Fuck! She’s gonna mess everything up!
TARA: Mom says that’s a mean word.
ERIC (Ignoring her): What’re we gonna do?
FINN: I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t have a choice.
ERIC: Fine. Whatever. We’ll just play and hope she doesn’t fuck everything up.
TARA runs into the back of the stage.
FINN: Tara, what are you doing?
TARA: How do you even control this thing?
FINN: Use the right joystick.
TARA: Oh. Okay. (She turns around and walks downstage, looking at her feet.)
FINN: You also have to use the left joystick to control where you look.
TARA: Gotcha. (She looks up, then begins awkwardly circling her head in all different directions.)
ERIC: Enough of this shit. Let’s go. (He pantomimes pulling out a weapon, as does FINN. TARA does not.)
OMNIPRESENT VOICE: LEVEL 10: FORT KNOX INVASION. OBJECTIVE: STEAL ALL THE GOLD FROM FORT KNOX.
TARA: Wait, are we doing crimes?
FINN: Uh, yeah.
TARA: Cool.
OMNIPRESENT VOICE: 3, 2, 1, BEGIN!
ERIC & FINN begin shooting.
TARA: What’s going on? What do I do?
FINN: You’ve got to shoot the other guys before they shoot you!
TARA: How?
FINN: Press the right shoulder button.
TARA: What?
FINN: The right shoulder button. On the right side at the very top.
TARA: Found it! TARA pulls out a gun and shoots ERIC in the face. ERIC recoils.
ERIC: WHAT THE FUCK!?
TARA: Oops. Sorry!
FINN: Aim with the left joystick.
ERIC: You know what? Fuck this. He shoots TARA in the face. She recoils.
TARA: Hey! What was that for?
ERIC: You shoot me, I shoot you. It’s only fucking fair.
TARA (With all the anger she can muster): You’re not supposed to USE THAT WORD!
ERIC: What are you gonna do about it, cry to Mommy?
TARA is visibly hurt by this comment.
FINN: That’s enough, Eric. Cut it out. Let’s just focus on getting through the level.
ERIC: There’s no way we can -
FINN: I SAID, THAT’S ENOUGH! (Turns to Tara.) Here, have a health pack. You’re already almost dead.
ERIC: You’re fucking giving her a health pack this early in the game?
FINN: I am. Now can we get back to the game?
ERIC grunts, but turns his attention back to shooting the enemies.
FINN: Tara, why don’t you try shooting at those guys?
TARA: Sure.
TARA turns her attention to the enemies and fires a single shot.
VOICE: Instant kill.
TARA drops her jaw and throws her hands in the air.
TARA: That’s good, right?
FINN (Chuckling): Not bad for your first shot!
ERIC (Rolling his eyes): I mean… he shoots three bullets.
VOICE: Instant kill. Instant kill. Instant kill.
ERIC: … it’s alright.
TARA: Show off.
FINN: Okay, that’s everybody in this room. Tara, this next room’s tricky. We’ve never gotten through it before, so lookout. Now, Finn is going to charge ahead, and I’m following behind him. Why don’t you hang back with me?
TARA (Shrugs): Sure.
ERIC: Hey, Finn, can we talk for a second? Before we go into the next room and get attacked again.
FINN: Okay.
ERIC & FINN move away from TARA.
ERIC (whispers): Why are you being so nice to her?
FINN: Why wouldn’t I be? She’s my sister. And besides, she’s still new, but she’s not half bad at this. Better than you were when we first started playing.
TARA, bored, begins to investigate the space.
ERIC: I don’t think - never mind. Just make sure you’re focused on the mission. This isn’t sibling bonding time. We have a game to win. You know Jake and Amir are already on level 15? Do you want them to beat the game before we do? Remember what happened last time?
TARA discovers the door to the next room and exits.
FINN: Yeah, I remember.
ERIC: Good. Now let’s get to -
TARA (offstage): HELP!
SCENE 3:
TARA, surrounded on all sides by invisible enemies, is flailing her gun wildly and randomly shooting at the oncoming horde. ERIC & FINN run onstage, guns blazing.
FINN: Didn’t I tell you to go in with me?
TARA: I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself! You two were talking and I got bored.
ERIC: See, this is what I’m fucking talking about! You fucking ruined our game!
TARA: I’m sorry!
ERIC: Why’d you have to barge into our game and ruin everything?
TARA: I just wanted to play with you!
ERIC: Well, we don’t fucking want you fucking playing with us! Right, Finn.
FINN is silent.
TARA: Finn, do you really not want to play with me?
Pause.
FINN: Eric, I want Tara to keep playing.
ERIC: What?
FINN: I like playing with her, and I think she helps us. I want her to keep playing.
TARA sticks her tongue out at ERIC.
ERIC: Are you serious?
FINN: Yes. And if you can’t handle that, and be nice about it, then you can leave.
ERIC: You realize you’re throwing everything away for her, right? We’ll never win this way. Look around you! There’s no way, and it’s all because of her.
FINN looks around and sees an insurmountable horde of enemies. He is horrified. Then, he has an idea.
FINN: There might be one way. He pulls out an imaginary grenade.
ERIC: What are you doing?
FINN: What you did yesterday.
ERIC: It didn’t work yesterday.
FINN: It will today.
ERIC: Why?
FINN: Because today you have a secret weapon. He glances at TARA, who has been relentlessly shooting bad guys this whole time.
ERIC: You’re crazy.
FINN: Trust me.
ERIC: Okay.
FINN (to the bad guys): HEY! OVER HERE! (He runs offstage.)
TARA: What’s he doing?
ERIC: Risking it all.
A loud boom from offstage.
VOICE: Player two, defeated.
TARA and ERIC stop shooting.
ERIC: That’s… all of them.
TARA: What?
ERIC: He took out every last one of those motherfuckers.
TARA: So what happens now?
ERIC: Tara, listen to me. One more room, but after that is the boss. I need you to stay out of the way and just let me do everything. I don’t want you screwing up everything again.
TARA: No.
ERIC: What?
TARA: I know you think I’m just a kid, but if we’re gonna win, we’re gonna have to do it together. Got it?
ERIC considers this.
ERIC: I don’t know what your brother saw in you, but I trust him with my fucking life. You understand that? My fucking life. So if he trusts you, then I guess I do, too. But if you screw this up I will never forgive you.
TARA: I know.
ERIC: I hope you do. Now let’s do this thing.
ERIC holds out his hand. TARA shakes it.
SCENE 4:
The stage is dark. ERIC and TARA quietly creep on stage.
TARA: Why is it so dark in here?
ERIC: To raise suspense. That way they can surprise you. In this room, they don’t come out all at once. You’ll be going along, minding your own business until you almost forget there’s any baddies in the room - then Tthey’ll jump up behind you and you won’t even hear them coming. Then you’re dead. Move slowly and carefully – that way you don’t run into anything.
TARA gulps. Then, she turns around.
ERIC: What are you doing?
TARA: If we stand back to back, they can’t sneak up on us from behind!
ERIC: That’s… actually a decent idea.
TARA: I have those sometimes. (TARA fires a shot at an approaching bad guy.) See?
ERIC: Calm down, you shot one guy. We still have a long way to go.
TARA: Whatever. (TARA’s eyes go wide.) There’s three guys coming at once. What do I do?
ERIC: If you hold down the right shoulder button, you can fire shots faster.
TARA fires several shots in rapid succession, killing the three bad guys.
TARA: Like that?
ERIC: Exactly like that.
TARA: Any other secret moves I should know about?
ERIC: Well, since there’s no more bad guys coming for a little bit, I guess I can teach you a few tricks. (TARA does a fist bump).i If you hit the right shoulder button twice in a row and press forward, you can do a double blast.
TARA: What’s that?
ERIC: This. (ERIC does a double blast.)
TARA: Cool.
ERIC: Why don’t you try?
TARA does a double blast.
TARA (chuckles): What can I say? I’m just a natural.
ERIC: Don’t get cocky. You still don’t know the hardest move of all.
TARA: Try me!
ERIC scoffs, then launches a blast so large it knocks TARA off her feet.
ERIC: We call that a Mega Shot.
TARA: How’d you do that?
ERIC: Practice. Lots and lots of practice. You have to hit three buttons at the same time. But you can’t do that. (Chuckles.) Your hands probably aren’t even fucking big enough.
TARA: What are the buttons?p
ERIC (Stops laughing): Huh?
TARA: You said that to do that I have to press three buttons at the same time. What are they?
ERIC: A and Y and the right shoulder button. You have to press all three at the exact same time or it doesn’t wo-
TARA elegantly launches a Mega Shot from her weapon, with even more power than ERIC.
ERIC: How - how did you do that?
TARA: I just did what you told me to. It wasn’t even that hard.
ERIC: It usually takes people weeks to learn how to do that, and you just did it on your first try.
TARA: Yeah, but I watch Finn play all the time.
ERIC: Really?
TARA: Yeah. I’ve always watched you two play together, since Finn hogs the TV all the time. You seemed to have so much fun. That’s why I asked Finn if I could play.
ERIC: You mean, that’s why your Mom made Finn let you play?
TARA: No. I don’t know why Finn told you that. He let me play as soon as I asked.
ERIC: Huh. I’ve never known him to lie like that.
TARA: Me neither. It was really weird. (TARA fires two more shots.)
ERIC: Maybe Finn was on to something after all… We’ll find out in a second just how much talent you really have.
TARA: What do you mean?
A rumbling grows, as a horde of enemies approaches.
ERIC: GO!
TARA: What do I do?
ERIC: Hold down the right shoulder button!
TARA: Okay! (She sends out a flurry of bullets.)
ERIC: Nice!
TARA: And now a double blast! (She sends out a double blast.)
ERIC: Yes!
TARA: And now a mega shot. (Both TARA and ERIC simultaneously launch mega shots.)
ERIC: Hell yeah!
TARA: Anything else?
ERIC: Sometimes you just have to press random buttons and hope for the best.
TARA: Is that really a good strategy?
ERIC: No, but it’s all we’ve got!
TARA: Okay! (Tara lets out a yell and rains down a series of bullets on her enemies.) Take that, you morons!
ERIC: Not bad, Tara.
TARA: Is that all of them?
ERIC: In this room, yeah. But there’s still one more, and it’s the biggest of all.
TARA: Nothing we can’t handle.
ERIC: We’re gonna have to have each other’s back.
TARA: Eric Marshall, I will defend you with my life.
TARA: What’s inside?
ERIC: The final boss.
SCENE 5:
ERIC and TARA strut onstage. They pull out their guns and begin shooting.
ERIC: Dive behind!
TARA dives behind ERIC and begins shooting from underneath his arms.
TARA: Switch places!
They switch places.
ERIC: 360!
They spin around each other.
TARA: Triple headshot. One! Two! Three!
They high five.
ERIC: You know, Eric was right. You’re not half bad at this.
TARA: Well, I did learn from the best.
ERIC: You sure fucking did! (Pause.) Hey, uh, sorry about earlier. I was a real asshole. I’m glad Finn stood up for you.
TARA: Yeah, me too.
ERIC: And, uh, if you ever want to play with us… you can always join the team.
TARA: Thanks, dude.
Just then, ERIC gets shot and falls onto the ground. TARA runs over to him.
TARA: What happened?
ERIC: I’m hit!
TARA: No, no, no. Stay with me!
ERIC: Listen to me! One. More. Shot. (Dies.)
VOICE: Player one, defeated.
TARA slowly rises from ERIC’s corpse and turns to the boss, gun pulled.
TARA: Die, motherfucker. (She shoots the Boss, killing him.)
TARA steps forward, and is washed by a cascade of gleaming golden light: the legendary golden stash of Fort Knox. Her eyes widen with the thrill of victory. Blackout.
VOICE: LEVEL 10 COMPLETED.
End of play.
SCENE ONE
An empty stage.
A gruff man wearing black jeans, a baggy t-shirt, and a beanie, FINN, scrambles onto the stage, facing offstage. He is pantomiming shooting a handgun offstage at some unseen threat.
FINN: This way, Eric, hurry!
ERIC, a handsome young man in a leather jacket, follows FINN onstage. He, too, pantomimes shooting a handgun offstage.
FINN: Under here!
ERIC & FINN crouch down behind an invisible box, providing them cover.
FINN: That was way too close, dude. You keep pulling stuff like that, we’ll never make it to the next checkpoint.
ERIC: Listen, Finn, you were fucking pinned down out there. If I hadn’t fucking lobbed that grenade, they’d have pissed you out right there. Damn, you should be fucking thanking me!
FINN: I would’ve been fine! Now every enemy in this building knows we’re here.
ERIC: Do you have any more health packs?
FINN: No. You used them all already.
ERIC: Shit! I’m almost out of health.
FINN: Well, you wouldn’t be if you hadn’t thrown that grenade!
ERIC: Shut up.
They quickly launch upward to launch a few shots at their opponents, before retreating back to cover. Yells such as “Got ‘em!” and “Missed!”
ERIC: Switch!
They quickly and gracefully switch sides. It’s clear they’ve done this particular move before. They continue shooting.
ERIC: Alright, I think it’s time for the Double Fister.
FINN: Are you sure? You’ll die!
ERIC: I’ll be fine, just trust me!
FINN: … Okay! One… two… three!
Both of them simultaneously launch upward and charge forward at their invisible enemies. They zigzag as they go forward, constantly switching sides with each other. This works seamlessly - until:
ERIC: Fuck! I’m hit!
ERIC stumbles backward and collapses to the ground.
FINN: Eric, no!
ERIC: Keep going, buddy, don’t worry about me! (Dies.)
OMNIPRESENT VOICE: Player one, defeated.
FINN: Okay. (He continues shooting for a few more seconds until he, too, gets hit.) No! (He collapses to the ground.)
OMNIPRESENT VOICE: GAME OVER.
The two men stand up.
ERIC: God fucking DAMN it!
FINN: Hey, this is the farthest we’ve gotten. Look on the bright side.
ERIC: The bright side? The fucking bright side? We’ve been working on this fucking level all week, and you want me to look at the motherfucking goddamn bright side!?
FINN: Hey, chill out, it’s just a game.
ERIC: You’re right. Sorry. Let’s just reload and do this again.
FINN: Sorry, I can’t. Mom says it’s time for dinner.
ERIC: Aw, c’mon man! We can’t just end like that!
FINN: Mom’ll get pissed if I don’t come for dinner. You know how she gets when she’s mad.
ERIC: Yeah. What a fucking bitch.
FINN: Hey!
ERIC: Sorry. (Beat.) So… try again tomorrow?
FINN: You betcha.
Blackout.
SCENE TWO:
LIGHTS UP on ERIC facing forward.
ERIC: Hey, Finn, you ready?
FINN (Offstage): Just a second! (ERIC enters the stage.) Alright, let’s do this.
A woman with a white pixie cut and wearing a black leather jacket, jeans, and combat boots awkwardly enters the stage.
ERIC: Uh, Eric… who’s that?
FINN: So, um, that’s my little sister, Tara.
ERIC (Growling): Tara, can you leave us alone, please?
TARA: It’s not fair that you get to hog the TV all the time. I never get to watch Disney Channel!
FINN: Mom said I have to let her play with us.
ERIC: Fuck! She’s gonna mess everything up!
TARA: Mom says that’s a mean word.
ERIC (Ignoring her): What’re we gonna do?
FINN: I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t have a choice.
ERIC: Fine. Whatever. We’ll just play and hope she doesn’t fuck everything up.
TARA runs into the back of the stage.
FINN: Tara, what are you doing?
TARA: How do you even control this thing?
FINN: Use the right joystick.
TARA: Oh. Okay. (She turns around and walks downstage, looking at her feet.)
FINN: You also have to use the left joystick to control where you look.
TARA: Gotcha. (She looks up, then begins awkwardly circling her head in all different directions.)
ERIC: Enough of this shit. Let’s go. (He pantomimes pulling out a weapon, as does FINN. TARA does not.)
OMNIPRESENT VOICE: LEVEL 10: FORT KNOX INVASION. OBJECTIVE: STEAL ALL THE GOLD FROM FORT KNOX.
TARA: Wait, are we doing crimes?
FINN: Uh, yeah.
TARA: Cool.
OMNIPRESENT VOICE: 3, 2, 1, BEGIN!
ERIC & FINN begin shooting.
TARA: What’s going on? What do I do?
FINN: You’ve got to shoot the other guys before they shoot you!
TARA: How?
FINN: Press the right shoulder button.
TARA: What?
FINN: The right shoulder button. On the right side at the very top.
TARA: Found it! TARA pulls out a gun and shoots ERIC in the face. ERIC recoils.
ERIC: WHAT THE FUCK!?
TARA: Oops. Sorry!
FINN: Aim with the left joystick.
ERIC: You know what? Fuck this. He shoots TARA in the face. She recoils.
TARA: Hey! What was that for?
ERIC: You shoot me, I shoot you. It’s only fucking fair.
TARA (With all the anger she can muster): You’re not supposed to USE THAT WORD!
ERIC: What are you gonna do about it, cry to Mommy?
TARA is visibly hurt by this comment.
FINN: That’s enough, Eric. Cut it out. Let’s just focus on getting through the level.
ERIC: There’s no way we can -
FINN: I SAID, THAT’S ENOUGH! (Turns to Tara.) Here, have a health pack. You’re already almost dead.
ERIC: You’re fucking giving her a health pack this early in the game?
FINN: I am. Now can we get back to the game?
ERIC grunts, but turns his attention back to shooting the enemies.
FINN: Tara, why don’t you try shooting at those guys?
TARA: Sure.
TARA turns her attention to the enemies and fires a single shot.
VOICE: Instant kill.
TARA drops her jaw and throws her hands in the air.
TARA: That’s good, right?
FINN (Chuckling): Not bad for your first shot!
ERIC (Rolling his eyes): I mean… he shoots three bullets.
VOICE: Instant kill. Instant kill. Instant kill.
ERIC: … it’s alright.
TARA: Show off.
FINN: Okay, that’s everybody in this room. Tara, this next room’s tricky. We’ve never gotten through it before, so lookout. Now, Finn is going to charge ahead, and I’m following behind him. Why don’t you hang back with me?
TARA (Shrugs): Sure.
ERIC: Hey, Finn, can we talk for a second? Before we go into the next room and get attacked again.
FINN: Okay.
ERIC & FINN move away from TARA.
ERIC (whispers): Why are you being so nice to her?
FINN: Why wouldn’t I be? She’s my sister. And besides, she’s still new, but she’s not half bad at this. Better than you were when we first started playing.
TARA, bored, begins to investigate the space.
ERIC: I don’t think - never mind. Just make sure you’re focused on the mission. This isn’t sibling bonding time. We have a game to win. You know Jake and Amir are already on level 15? Do you want them to beat the game before we do? Remember what happened last time?
TARA discovers the door to the next room and exits.
FINN: Yeah, I remember.
ERIC: Good. Now let’s get to -
TARA (offstage): HELP!
SCENE 3:
TARA, surrounded on all sides by invisible enemies, is flailing her gun wildly and randomly shooting at the oncoming horde. ERIC & FINN run onstage, guns blazing.
FINN: Didn’t I tell you to go in with me?
TARA: I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself! You two were talking and I got bored.
ERIC: See, this is what I’m fucking talking about! You fucking ruined our game!
TARA: I’m sorry!
ERIC: Why’d you have to barge into our game and ruin everything?
TARA: I just wanted to play with you!
ERIC: Well, we don’t fucking want you fucking playing with us! Right, Finn.
FINN is silent.
TARA: Finn, do you really not want to play with me?
Pause.
FINN: Eric, I want Tara to keep playing.
ERIC: What?
FINN: I like playing with her, and I think she helps us. I want her to keep playing.
TARA sticks her tongue out at ERIC.
ERIC: Are you serious?
FINN: Yes. And if you can’t handle that, and be nice about it, then you can leave.
ERIC: You realize you’re throwing everything away for her, right? We’ll never win this way. Look around you! There’s no way, and it’s all because of her.
FINN looks around and sees an insurmountable horde of enemies. He is horrified. Then, he has an idea.
FINN: There might be one way. He pulls out an imaginary grenade.
ERIC: What are you doing?
FINN: What you did yesterday.
ERIC: It didn’t work yesterday.
FINN: It will today.
ERIC: Why?
FINN: Because today you have a secret weapon. He glances at TARA, who has been relentlessly shooting bad guys this whole time.
ERIC: You’re crazy.
FINN: Trust me.
ERIC: Okay.
FINN (to the bad guys): HEY! OVER HERE! (He runs offstage.)
TARA: What’s he doing?
ERIC: Risking it all.
A loud boom from offstage.
VOICE: Player two, defeated.
TARA and ERIC stop shooting.
ERIC: That’s… all of them.
TARA: What?
ERIC: He took out every last one of those motherfuckers.
TARA: So what happens now?
ERIC: Tara, listen to me. One more room, but after that is the boss. I need you to stay out of the way and just let me do everything. I don’t want you screwing up everything again.
TARA: No.
ERIC: What?
TARA: I know you think I’m just a kid, but if we’re gonna win, we’re gonna have to do it together. Got it?
ERIC considers this.
ERIC: I don’t know what your brother saw in you, but I trust him with my fucking life. You understand that? My fucking life. So if he trusts you, then I guess I do, too. But if you screw this up I will never forgive you.
TARA: I know.
ERIC: I hope you do. Now let’s do this thing.
ERIC holds out his hand. TARA shakes it.
SCENE 4:
The stage is dark. ERIC and TARA quietly creep on stage.
TARA: Why is it so dark in here?
ERIC: To raise suspense. That way they can surprise you. In this room, they don’t come out all at once. You’ll be going along, minding your own business until you almost forget there’s any baddies in the room - then Tthey’ll jump up behind you and you won’t even hear them coming. Then you’re dead. Move slowly and carefully – that way you don’t run into anything.
TARA gulps. Then, she turns around.
ERIC: What are you doing?
TARA: If we stand back to back, they can’t sneak up on us from behind!
ERIC: That’s… actually a decent idea.
TARA: I have those sometimes. (TARA fires a shot at an approaching bad guy.) See?
ERIC: Calm down, you shot one guy. We still have a long way to go.
TARA: Whatever. (TARA’s eyes go wide.) There’s three guys coming at once. What do I do?
ERIC: If you hold down the right shoulder button, you can fire shots faster.
TARA fires several shots in rapid succession, killing the three bad guys.
TARA: Like that?
ERIC: Exactly like that.
TARA: Any other secret moves I should know about?
ERIC: Well, since there’s no more bad guys coming for a little bit, I guess I can teach you a few tricks. (TARA does a fist bump).i If you hit the right shoulder button twice in a row and press forward, you can do a double blast.
TARA: What’s that?
ERIC: This. (ERIC does a double blast.)
TARA: Cool.
ERIC: Why don’t you try?
TARA does a double blast.
TARA (chuckles): What can I say? I’m just a natural.
ERIC: Don’t get cocky. You still don’t know the hardest move of all.
TARA: Try me!
ERIC scoffs, then launches a blast so large it knocks TARA off her feet.
ERIC: We call that a Mega Shot.
TARA: How’d you do that?
ERIC: Practice. Lots and lots of practice. You have to hit three buttons at the same time. But you can’t do that. (Chuckles.) Your hands probably aren’t even fucking big enough.
TARA: What are the buttons?p
ERIC (Stops laughing): Huh?
TARA: You said that to do that I have to press three buttons at the same time. What are they?
ERIC: A and Y and the right shoulder button. You have to press all three at the exact same time or it doesn’t wo-
TARA elegantly launches a Mega Shot from her weapon, with even more power than ERIC.
ERIC: How - how did you do that?
TARA: I just did what you told me to. It wasn’t even that hard.
ERIC: It usually takes people weeks to learn how to do that, and you just did it on your first try.
TARA: Yeah, but I watch Finn play all the time.
ERIC: Really?
TARA: Yeah. I’ve always watched you two play together, since Finn hogs the TV all the time. You seemed to have so much fun. That’s why I asked Finn if I could play.
ERIC: You mean, that’s why your Mom made Finn let you play?
TARA: No. I don’t know why Finn told you that. He let me play as soon as I asked.
ERIC: Huh. I’ve never known him to lie like that.
TARA: Me neither. It was really weird. (TARA fires two more shots.)
ERIC: Maybe Finn was on to something after all… We’ll find out in a second just how much talent you really have.
TARA: What do you mean?
A rumbling grows, as a horde of enemies approaches.
ERIC: GO!
TARA: What do I do?
ERIC: Hold down the right shoulder button!
TARA: Okay! (She sends out a flurry of bullets.)
ERIC: Nice!
TARA: And now a double blast! (She sends out a double blast.)
ERIC: Yes!
TARA: And now a mega shot. (Both TARA and ERIC simultaneously launch mega shots.)
ERIC: Hell yeah!
TARA: Anything else?
ERIC: Sometimes you just have to press random buttons and hope for the best.
TARA: Is that really a good strategy?
ERIC: No, but it’s all we’ve got!
TARA: Okay! (Tara lets out a yell and rains down a series of bullets on her enemies.) Take that, you morons!
ERIC: Not bad, Tara.
TARA: Is that all of them?
ERIC: In this room, yeah. But there’s still one more, and it’s the biggest of all.
TARA: Nothing we can’t handle.
ERIC: We’re gonna have to have each other’s back.
TARA: Eric Marshall, I will defend you with my life.
TARA: What’s inside?
ERIC: The final boss.
SCENE 5:
ERIC and TARA strut onstage. They pull out their guns and begin shooting.
ERIC: Dive behind!
TARA dives behind ERIC and begins shooting from underneath his arms.
TARA: Switch places!
They switch places.
ERIC: 360!
They spin around each other.
TARA: Triple headshot. One! Two! Three!
They high five.
ERIC: You know, Eric was right. You’re not half bad at this.
TARA: Well, I did learn from the best.
ERIC: You sure fucking did! (Pause.) Hey, uh, sorry about earlier. I was a real asshole. I’m glad Finn stood up for you.
TARA: Yeah, me too.
ERIC: And, uh, if you ever want to play with us… you can always join the team.
TARA: Thanks, dude.
Just then, ERIC gets shot and falls onto the ground. TARA runs over to him.
TARA: What happened?
ERIC: I’m hit!
TARA: No, no, no. Stay with me!
ERIC: Listen to me! One. More. Shot. (Dies.)
VOICE: Player one, defeated.
TARA slowly rises from ERIC’s corpse and turns to the boss, gun pulled.
TARA: Die, motherfucker. (She shoots the Boss, killing him.)
TARA steps forward, and is washed by a cascade of gleaming golden light: the legendary golden stash of Fort Knox. Her eyes widen with the thrill of victory. Blackout.
VOICE: LEVEL 10 COMPLETED.
End of play.