I’m going out tonight, I didn’t want to. My friends convinced me, “C’mon you never go out!”
It’s just a simple party. Go out, dance, return. Everyone is so excited, I don’t want to ruin their night.
Put on a dress, Get your hair done. “oh you look pretty!” Return the sentiment, Smile for the pictures, Bite your tongue, Get excited for tonight.
Arrive there now, It’s quite a crowded room. Flashing lights of a disco ball, Music pounding into me, The mix of sweat and perfume, But no one notices it. “Come on! let’s go dance!”
All my friends rush off, running towards the sea Of vomit and cologne, leaving me all alone. I don’t like dancing, Everyone else does, Why shouldn’t I? But one glance tells me, The crowded floor Does not appeal to me, Nor the EDM and flashing lights. I go and stand in the back, Simply a wallflower- Not a part of this scene.
As I hold back, My friends convince me, Drag me into the dance. They laugh at my reluctance, “Just try it!!” They look happy, I think, Perhaps I can join them.
They start to move, and I dance too, Moving my body Around to mimic them. We all laugh together now, Swaying to the beat.
Despite the music Blaring loudly in my ears, And the heat of the pack; I notice myself enjoying it. The smells fade away and A small smile appears As they grin at me.
But I stop and freeze, noticing the glances. Everyone is watching, Judging me…
I try to deny it, But the thought insists, What was I thinking? I can’t dance.
I leave the floor, Going to the bathroom but I don’t use it just shut the door-- take a breath.
Everyone was watching. Everyone was judging. My friends were staring In shame I’m sure.
I cannot control These thoughts Nor my breathing As I sink to the floor I’m losing control I’m losing control I’m losing control My head in my hands The world spinning As I remember it all So awkward So awkward Whirling thoughts Tears on my face And shaking hands I cannot breathe I cannot think I cannot dance What am I doing here What was I thinking Why can’t I fit in Why aren’t I normal My mouth gasps For air that won’t come As I wipe the tears My hands tremble But it’s pointless And all I can think is This isn’t fun.
After far too long, I regain my breathing, Steady my hands. (I don’t belong) The party rages on Beyond the door.
One more breath, I open the door, (I don’t belong) And step out into the scene. I stay in the back, Pretending to dance, smile, and laugh, (I don’t belong) Waiting for my friends, To come and tell me, “It was so much fun.”