Let the Bad Thoughts Out
by Christian Rickert
are you late?
did you oversleep your alarm so that you’re late? i think you’re late because you overslept. i think oversleeping made you late. are you late?
I reach my hand out a little farther than usual to click the “alarm off” button on my phone, silencing Beyoncé’s anthem “Ring The Alarm.” I shut off the 8 other alarms following this one just in case I oversleep each one of my other classes.
I want oatmeal—No, I should get going. I really should. I have class in 25 minutes in Ritter, and sadly my Bird scooter app still isn’t working, so I will have to hoof it all the way there. OK, swing my legs off the bed—yep, easy does it. Oh, crap. I pulled my mattress cushion off with me as well.
great. now you need to remake the bed--
Wait, no. I don’t have time to remake it right now.
ok, but if you never remake it, how are you going to actually create a habit? maybe you’re incapable of actually making a habit. you can't create habits. how are you going to create a habit?
Ugh.
you’re so bad at waking up from your alarm too. you snoozed your alarm, didn’t you? you were supposed to get up and read instead of snoozing your alarm. if you don’t love reading as much as sleeping, then you probably shouldn’t be an english teacher. remember ms. j? ms. j said that ms. j would accidentally get 4 hours of sleep because ms. j would be stuck in a book. ms. j was so good at teaching english, why can’t you be more like ms. j. you’re so bad at waking up.
CRAP. I’m late. And I ended up spending too much time staring at my books and thinking about my shortcomings to make my coffee. OK, put the pod in the machine. Crap, OK. Add more water— There we go. Brew, baby, brew. My teeth! Out retainer, in toothbrush.
are your canines loose? are your canines loose on your gums that you forgot to floss under your canines? you’ve never had a cavity on your canines. you’ve never had a cavity at all. especially not on your canines. but i’m pretty sure that you’ve had a cavity on your canines for months. what if your canines are infected? well, your canines don’t hurt, but, i mean, odds are you’ll have a cavity sometime—a cavity on your canine. that reminds me. your cavity reminds me—i know dr. herrick said that was just a knot on your collarbone, but when you looked up a knot on your collarbone on webmd, most results say a knot on your collarbone is probably a tumor. a knot on your collarbone is a tumor? a knot is a tumor? knot-tumor? tumor? are your canines loose?
Slow down. Stop wasting time.
do you think you will lose your canines this year?
squeeze your fist to hold onto your canines;
let the bad thoughts out.
Time to leave.
your tooth still feels wiggly.
wiggle your tooth until not feeling wiggly;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK, I need to head to the elevator. First, I wanna grab some water. Crap, I hear the elevator ding. Rush to the door. OK… first floor. OK, I might make this class in time.
did you forget your book for class today? you might need your book. i think she said something about the book? right? the book, right? did you forget your book?
The professor said we didn’t need the book today. I’m fine.
you might need it.
check your bag for the book;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK, I’ll stop for a second. Yes… I have it. Zip my bag back up. Let’s go. Ugh, why did I stop to check? I don’t have time. OK, now I just speed walk to the library, and I should be good. Yes, it’ll be fine. She always starts late anyways.
what if she gives a pop quiz in the first minute?
jog for the pop quiz;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK, I’ll be able to make it on time now. Oh, there’s Callie. Give her a slight smile. Just a little one to let her know that I saw her.
did you just frown at her? why would you frown? how did you frown? is your frown noticeable? can people see your frown under your mask? did you frown?
No, I smiled. I’m sure of it.
don’t you think you gave a dirty look?
curse as punishment for a dirty look;
let the bad thoughts out.
“F–k.” I hope she didn’t hear that.
she probably did hear you. she probably heard you. she did. she heard you. she probably did. what if you tripped her right now? would you trip her? is she worth tripping? should you trip her? you might trip her. could you trip her? what if you tripped her? she probably did hear you.
But I don’t want to. Why would I?
but what if you did trip her?
inhale and exhale loudly to purge the trip;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK, I am almost at the library. Just a little to go before Ritter. I can make it. I have time to walk.
did you just feel your tooth wiggle again?
push on it to stop the tooth wiggle;
let the bad thoughts out.
OW. Metal. Tasting metal. Oh— gross. Blood. Great, you wiggled your perfectly normal tooth so much that it is bleeding.
don’t you think people see the blood?
put the sleeve in your mouth as blood sponge;
let the bad thoughts out.
The blood has stained my new Model UN sweatshirt. Great. Who knows if this ugly brownish crimson will ever come out.
Finally, at Ritter! All I need to do is get up that staircase, and I should be good. OK, yep, second floor. Oh— I can see the classroom! OK, perfect. A few minutes early.
is that the classroom?
check your schedule;
let the bad thoughts out.
Yes, OK. This is it. Oh—gross. Ugh. I’m out of breath. Hey, at least I made it to class on time. And I can’t believe that we didn’t have any homework again!
was that project due today in class? why would the project be due today? when is the project due? today? in class? that project? due today? today? was that project due today?
No, I remember her saying it’s due Monday.
what if you are remembering wrong?
check the canvas for the due date;
let the bad thoughts out.
It says right here: due Thursday.
did you read that wrong?
read it again to make sure;
let the bad thoughts out.
Yes. Thursday.
what if the syllabus is different?
check the syllabus for the real due date;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK. Yes. I checked. Thursday, too. I’m fine. Oh my gosh—I was running so much on the way here that now I’m sweating. It’s probably not noticeable.
do you smell sweaty?
scooch your sweaty chair out;
let the bad thoughts out.
I wonder if that form is due Thursday also. I should ask. I'm going to raise my hand.
do you think she already said it?
put your hand down in case she said it;
let the bad thoughts out.
No. I need to know. This is important. I'm going to raise my hand again.
do you think you’ll stutter?
don't stutter and talk faster;
let the bad thoughts out.
"Is the acknowledge—you know—acknowledgement form due next week or—or this one?"
Great. I tried to get it all out at once.
does everyone think you’re a stutterer?
straighten your fingers to release the stutterer;
let the bad thoughts out.
Ugh. I think this class sticks me in a time-warp where everything boring takes three times as long. At least we have presentations in my next class. I need to stop and ask my professor a question.
OK. Perfect. End of class. Just go up to her desk and ask her about the next due date before you leave for your next class.
are you late?
by Christian Rickert
are you late?
did you oversleep your alarm so that you’re late? i think you’re late because you overslept. i think oversleeping made you late. are you late?
I reach my hand out a little farther than usual to click the “alarm off” button on my phone, silencing Beyoncé’s anthem “Ring The Alarm.” I shut off the 8 other alarms following this one just in case I oversleep each one of my other classes.
I want oatmeal—No, I should get going. I really should. I have class in 25 minutes in Ritter, and sadly my Bird scooter app still isn’t working, so I will have to hoof it all the way there. OK, swing my legs off the bed—yep, easy does it. Oh, crap. I pulled my mattress cushion off with me as well.
great. now you need to remake the bed--
Wait, no. I don’t have time to remake it right now.
ok, but if you never remake it, how are you going to actually create a habit? maybe you’re incapable of actually making a habit. you can't create habits. how are you going to create a habit?
Ugh.
you’re so bad at waking up from your alarm too. you snoozed your alarm, didn’t you? you were supposed to get up and read instead of snoozing your alarm. if you don’t love reading as much as sleeping, then you probably shouldn’t be an english teacher. remember ms. j? ms. j said that ms. j would accidentally get 4 hours of sleep because ms. j would be stuck in a book. ms. j was so good at teaching english, why can’t you be more like ms. j. you’re so bad at waking up.
CRAP. I’m late. And I ended up spending too much time staring at my books and thinking about my shortcomings to make my coffee. OK, put the pod in the machine. Crap, OK. Add more water— There we go. Brew, baby, brew. My teeth! Out retainer, in toothbrush.
are your canines loose? are your canines loose on your gums that you forgot to floss under your canines? you’ve never had a cavity on your canines. you’ve never had a cavity at all. especially not on your canines. but i’m pretty sure that you’ve had a cavity on your canines for months. what if your canines are infected? well, your canines don’t hurt, but, i mean, odds are you’ll have a cavity sometime—a cavity on your canine. that reminds me. your cavity reminds me—i know dr. herrick said that was just a knot on your collarbone, but when you looked up a knot on your collarbone on webmd, most results say a knot on your collarbone is probably a tumor. a knot on your collarbone is a tumor? a knot is a tumor? knot-tumor? tumor? are your canines loose?
Slow down. Stop wasting time.
do you think you will lose your canines this year?
squeeze your fist to hold onto your canines;
let the bad thoughts out.
Time to leave.
your tooth still feels wiggly.
wiggle your tooth until not feeling wiggly;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK, I need to head to the elevator. First, I wanna grab some water. Crap, I hear the elevator ding. Rush to the door. OK… first floor. OK, I might make this class in time.
did you forget your book for class today? you might need your book. i think she said something about the book? right? the book, right? did you forget your book?
The professor said we didn’t need the book today. I’m fine.
you might need it.
check your bag for the book;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK, I’ll stop for a second. Yes… I have it. Zip my bag back up. Let’s go. Ugh, why did I stop to check? I don’t have time. OK, now I just speed walk to the library, and I should be good. Yes, it’ll be fine. She always starts late anyways.
what if she gives a pop quiz in the first minute?
jog for the pop quiz;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK, I’ll be able to make it on time now. Oh, there’s Callie. Give her a slight smile. Just a little one to let her know that I saw her.
did you just frown at her? why would you frown? how did you frown? is your frown noticeable? can people see your frown under your mask? did you frown?
No, I smiled. I’m sure of it.
don’t you think you gave a dirty look?
curse as punishment for a dirty look;
let the bad thoughts out.
“F–k.” I hope she didn’t hear that.
she probably did hear you. she probably heard you. she did. she heard you. she probably did. what if you tripped her right now? would you trip her? is she worth tripping? should you trip her? you might trip her. could you trip her? what if you tripped her? she probably did hear you.
But I don’t want to. Why would I?
but what if you did trip her?
inhale and exhale loudly to purge the trip;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK, I am almost at the library. Just a little to go before Ritter. I can make it. I have time to walk.
did you just feel your tooth wiggle again?
push on it to stop the tooth wiggle;
let the bad thoughts out.
OW. Metal. Tasting metal. Oh— gross. Blood. Great, you wiggled your perfectly normal tooth so much that it is bleeding.
don’t you think people see the blood?
put the sleeve in your mouth as blood sponge;
let the bad thoughts out.
The blood has stained my new Model UN sweatshirt. Great. Who knows if this ugly brownish crimson will ever come out.
Finally, at Ritter! All I need to do is get up that staircase, and I should be good. OK, yep, second floor. Oh— I can see the classroom! OK, perfect. A few minutes early.
is that the classroom?
check your schedule;
let the bad thoughts out.
Yes, OK. This is it. Oh—gross. Ugh. I’m out of breath. Hey, at least I made it to class on time. And I can’t believe that we didn’t have any homework again!
was that project due today in class? why would the project be due today? when is the project due? today? in class? that project? due today? today? was that project due today?
No, I remember her saying it’s due Monday.
what if you are remembering wrong?
check the canvas for the due date;
let the bad thoughts out.
It says right here: due Thursday.
did you read that wrong?
read it again to make sure;
let the bad thoughts out.
Yes. Thursday.
what if the syllabus is different?
check the syllabus for the real due date;
let the bad thoughts out.
OK. Yes. I checked. Thursday, too. I’m fine. Oh my gosh—I was running so much on the way here that now I’m sweating. It’s probably not noticeable.
do you smell sweaty?
scooch your sweaty chair out;
let the bad thoughts out.
I wonder if that form is due Thursday also. I should ask. I'm going to raise my hand.
do you think she already said it?
put your hand down in case she said it;
let the bad thoughts out.
No. I need to know. This is important. I'm going to raise my hand again.
do you think you’ll stutter?
don't stutter and talk faster;
let the bad thoughts out.
"Is the acknowledge—you know—acknowledgement form due next week or—or this one?"
Great. I tried to get it all out at once.
does everyone think you’re a stutterer?
straighten your fingers to release the stutterer;
let the bad thoughts out.
Ugh. I think this class sticks me in a time-warp where everything boring takes three times as long. At least we have presentations in my next class. I need to stop and ask my professor a question.
OK. Perfect. End of class. Just go up to her desk and ask her about the next due date before you leave for your next class.
are you late?
Artist Statement
Obsessive compulsive disorder is a disorder where a person experiences painful images, terrifying hypotheticals, or extreme fears and paranoias followed by a specific action. This sequence from obsession to compulsion is characteristic of OCD and separates the disorder from general anxiety disorders. In addition to the specific relationship of obsession to compulsion, these specific obsessions and compulsions are repetitive and tend to appear several times in a person's day-to-day life.
Obsessions often manifest themselves in fears of punctuality, productivity, ailments, uncontrollable impulses, harming others, failing, misreading, and embarrassment. This is often accompanied by intense self-reflection and self-scrutiny, as well as other specific compulsions, often present as over-analyzing, checking, rechecking, covering up, and contemplating. Additionally, OCD can result in tics, which can be split up into two categories: motor and vocal. Motor tics can be shown through clenching and releasing of the hands, muscle tensing, or contorted movements. Vocal tics can appear as compulsive cursing, breathing loudly, or other sounds.
OCD can vary in intensity throughout a person’s life; however, at its worst, it can make life seem unwelcoming and endlessly stressful. This disorder, even when observed and noted as abnormal by the sufferer, still forces them to operate under its strictures. Although giving into the demands of OCD’s compulsions may bring short-lived comfort, the consolation is anything but permanent, with another intrusive thought awaiting the one enduring OCD. With a disorder focused so much on control, its affected group is often searching for the balance between addressing their obsessions and obtaining authority over their life.
Obsessive compulsive disorder is a disorder where a person experiences painful images, terrifying hypotheticals, or extreme fears and paranoias followed by a specific action. This sequence from obsession to compulsion is characteristic of OCD and separates the disorder from general anxiety disorders. In addition to the specific relationship of obsession to compulsion, these specific obsessions and compulsions are repetitive and tend to appear several times in a person's day-to-day life.
Obsessions often manifest themselves in fears of punctuality, productivity, ailments, uncontrollable impulses, harming others, failing, misreading, and embarrassment. This is often accompanied by intense self-reflection and self-scrutiny, as well as other specific compulsions, often present as over-analyzing, checking, rechecking, covering up, and contemplating. Additionally, OCD can result in tics, which can be split up into two categories: motor and vocal. Motor tics can be shown through clenching and releasing of the hands, muscle tensing, or contorted movements. Vocal tics can appear as compulsive cursing, breathing loudly, or other sounds.
OCD can vary in intensity throughout a person’s life; however, at its worst, it can make life seem unwelcoming and endlessly stressful. This disorder, even when observed and noted as abnormal by the sufferer, still forces them to operate under its strictures. Although giving into the demands of OCD’s compulsions may bring short-lived comfort, the consolation is anything but permanent, with another intrusive thought awaiting the one enduring OCD. With a disorder focused so much on control, its affected group is often searching for the balance between addressing their obsessions and obtaining authority over their life.