Polly seems more social to me. She hasn’t brought a dead animal into the house for 9 days. (A new record!) Unfortunately, she did bring home a slightly mangled rabbit. (It was still twitching so it definitely wasn’t dead). She dropped it at my feet. I’m sure she was just trying to play. Caesar “The Dog Whisperer” says Polly’s “offering” is a token of her appreciation. By giving me a twitching 3-legged rabbit, Polly is essentially saying “Thank you for feeding me. I’m sorry for the time I killed your hamster. And I regret biting your mother’s hand”. Well, Polly, I appreciate the gesture. *** I woke up with the worst migraine. Tried to give myself a scalp massage…I rubbed my temples and ran my thumbs back to the base of my neck. My fingers shined from the grease that started to build up there. I realized I hadn’t showered in 4 days. I couldn’t even remember the last time I changed my socks. I peeled them off and my feet were a few shades paler than the rest of my legs. Had to maneuver between piles of laundry and empty pizza boxes stacked in the hallway to get to the bathroom. Corners of week-old tortilla chips stabbed the bottoms of my feet, and I stepped in something wet. (Possibly Polly’s pee or maybe beer from last night?) The tile floor felt like ice . I took my electric toothbrush (gift from mom for 26th birthday) off the charger. The wring of mildew was a darker shade of green than the day before. I brushed my teeth and waited for the two-minute alarm to go off while I peed and turned on the shower. I used a few squirts of mom’s Herbal Essence shampoo and ran my hands through hair (which is getting way too long). Right as I was about to rinse it out- the water stopped. The cold air hit me. I yelled for Polly. She obviously bit a pipe or something. The water doesn’t just shut off for no reason. I realized I had no towel. I cracked open the bathroom door to make sure I was alone (although other than, no one has stepped foot in the apartment for 6 weeks). I saw Polly in the hallway and untangled last night’s boxers from my pajama pants. I threw them on and grabbed her by the face (just a little harder than I should have). *** I spent 2 hours searching the apartment for something broken. But I wasn’t even exactly sure what I was looking for (maybe a pipe or a water tank?). I went to the pile of mail that had been accumulating by my front door for the past 6 weeks. I flipped through them. A bunch from T-Mobile, sympathy cards from people I’ve never met, coupon booklets (some good deals at Steak n’ Shake!), one from Chase Bank and 3 from Michigan American Water Co. I tore open all 3 Michigan American Water Co. letters. In big bold letters: “THIS IS YOUR FINAL TURN-OFF NOTICE”. Okay. I’ll stop by Chase and claim mom’s cash and pay the bills. Easy. I got this. *** $36.54! That’s impossible. $36.54?? How is that ALL mom has left in her account? That’s not even livable. Typical of her. So freaking typical. NATURALLY she would waste all her money giving to the American Cancer Society and the Sierra Club before she would even consider helping her own family. For someone who seems so nice, she was incredibly selfish. *** I spent mom’s last $36 on some bottled water and a couple edibles from my boss, Frank. A few sour gummies and next thing I know I was on the brink of death. I was going to die. I did jumping jacks, drank a gallon of water, took some milk thistle to get the weed out of my system. Nothing helped. I even did some research. Search History: “overdose and weed” “ i have weed overdose” “death AND weed” “exercise and weed” “jumping jacks and weed” “benadryl and weed” “sleep and weed” Surprisingly, I woke up just fine this morning. (Well pretty much…I was on the floor and Polly was in my bed). I’m not scheduled to work again until next Saturday. I have some time to kill. Although if I want water ever again, I need to make some money. I joined poker.com. I should be able to make a few bucks doing that. I also came across a few domain names that I think will be BIG. I bought a few of them on my credit card. I spent $20 max and in a few months, I could sell it for a few thousands!!! *** I’ve heard a lot of awful noises in my life. After working the past 3 years as a DJ at Curley’s Karaoke Bar, I have a high threshold for noise. But nothing gets to me more than the sound of Polly’s shriek. She’s WAY too large for this apartment. Running in circles. Rolling the desk chair over her tail. Wacking her head against the corners of walls and knocking down the table. Since we moved to Rochester, Polly has injured herself approximately 18 times a day. Every time she the same awful noise. *** One of my domains (deargod.com) got almost 10,000 hits in one night!!!!!!!!! This means some big $$money$$. I’m not really sure what people want from a website called deargod.com, but I’m interested in finding out. If I can get up to a couple hundred thousand hits, I should be making a couple thousand dollars off this deal. I set up an anonymous message box. All the messages from the website will go straight to my email. I tried to keep things vague so the intrigue would draw people to the website. Write and your prayers will be heard.
*** 44 new emails…all are “feedback” from deargod.com. Prayers from people I’ve never met. This is INSANE. Inbox: 1–25 of 44
feedback Visitor Feedback : Dear God:: Please help me be free. help my family be safe and secure...
Sep 12
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: Thank u for Danielle’s health. I am blessed with family…
Sep 9
feedback (4) Visitor Feedback: Dear God: I would love Elina to be my girlfriend.
Sep 8
feedback (6) Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: All I need are the six lucky numbers…
Sep 7
feedback Visitor Feedback : Dear God:: Thank u for all the abundance that I have received...
Sep 12
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: I know this is kinda stupid, with me typing this up. But can you please help me with my math comprehension
Sep 9
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God: I wish we will win the car.
Sep 8
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: lease send a lump some of money like around $10000.00 so I can pay off my debt and still
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: I need to talk to somebody and confess the sin- i am addicted i think to drugs. od person
Sep 9
feedback (3) Visitor Feedback: Dear God: I am writing to thank you for the gift of love…
Sep 8
feedback Visitor Feedback: - Dear God: please let my husband quit being so mean with words to me…
Sep 7
feedback Visitor Feedback : Dear God: I'm praying that ppl will reach out to me and help me feel better. I am so bored
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: Why do you continue to let him rape me? You have already…
feedback (18) Visitor Feedback: Dear God: I got layed off my job and yesterday foundout I have breast cancer... Lord I know only you can heal
feedback (2) Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: I wish I could get pregnant. I promise we would be good parents
feedback Visitor Feedback : Dear God:: I need help. I am praying that everything will just be okay….
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: I talked about you to my girls this evening. I hope that you like it.
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God: I can't sleep with all this stuff that is coming up. Graduation and rent and finding a place
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: Faleminderit zot për të gjitha që ju bëni
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: Get this to Jimmy if you can. Jimmy, I didn’t forget your birthday..
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU…
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: lease send a lump some of money like around $10000.00 so I can pay off my debt and still
feedback Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: PLEASE FORGIVE ME OF MY SINS, PLEASE ACCEPT MY 2 DEAR FRIENDS MY CATS ADELE AND FLOYD
feedback (7) Visitor Feedback: Dear God:: Please help me to be more positive. Amen.
*** These prayers are like crack. All I can do is read them. If I’m not reading them. I’m thinking about them. I feel slightly nauseous when I think about them. Sometimes my hands start to shake. My body knows it should feel guilty but I’m not exactly sure for what. *** I can’t roll over. I’d rather stare at this blank wall for the rest of the day than roll over. I’d rather eat the led paint off this blank wall than roll over. I’d rather my mother crawl out of her grave and move back in than roll over. But I don’t even have to roll over to feel her staring at me from the obituary on page 12 of the September 1st newspaper. Her bleached white turtleneck creates the illusion of a floating head and she used ½ gallon of hairspray so her hair would tower 8 inches above her face. That turtleneck still makes me irrationally enraged. Mom voluntarily made this turtleneck a sort of uniform for life. She wore it to the beach (to protect her skin from UV rays). She wore it in the winter (under a knitted holiday vest) to protect herself from the cold. She wore it to Wolverines games so other fans’ sweat wouldn’t touch her if they happen to brush arms. Wow- you open up her closet and there are ten identical white turtlenecks lined up, hanging perfectly stiff from the hangers. The most infuriating was Mom and I took Polly to the Grand Canyon. It was supposed to be a camping trip. I had reserved a camping space along South Rim trail 11 months in advance. I told mom about this maybe a hundred times before we arrived in Arizona, but she still acted surprised when we didn’t pull up to a hotel room. After a screaming fight in front of the park ranger, we ended up driving out of the park to book a room at Motel 8. I waited in the parking lot for almost 40 min, when mom walked down stairs. She was wearing $160 Timberland boots bought especially for the occasion, cargo pants (pockets filled with bear spray, rescue rope, and a pocket knife), her white turtleneck, and feather earrings. Mom insisted that we take Bright Angel Trail (i.e. 0.5 miles of a glorified walking path) instead of South Rim trail as originally planned. Every chance she got, she would loudly announce that we were going on a hike (as if her getup didn’t already suggest that). Locals would excitedly ask which destination we were headed to and it was humiliating to tell them that we set aside the day for a half mile stroll.
*** 150 new emails!! At least SOMEONE realizes how selfish they are…
***
I opened up mom’s newspaper. I tried to turn to her page, but they were sticking together. (I only have one copy. I can’t rip it.) I went to the kitchen to find a spatula or something to separate them. One of the pages had dried eggs on it. Another has dried brownies. Mom and I used to make brownies all the time... until she found out I added weed to one batch. I’ve never seen anyone cry so hard. I found a clean-enough spatula and slid it between to the two papers as slowly and as carefully as I could. Each time I moved the spatula a little bit further, there was a ripping sound. I couldn’t see between the two papers, so I could only hope for the best. Only the page number tore off. Mom’s picture, with white turtleneck and fake pearls, looked as pristine as always. *** Thank god! My alarm didn’t go off this morning but luckily Polly did. I have long list of things to do this morning and I want to make sure I have some time to check some emails before I get to work. To do: 1)Go to store- water and pizza! 2)Call bank 3)Figure out bills (call someone?) 4)Call Frank- NEED more hours Dear God: Get this to Jimmy if you can. Jimmy,
I didn’t forget your birthday, kiddo. I miss you really bad around this time of year. Well as you can probably see I moved home and I’m doing pretty good, I guess. I got the idea to write to you from an obituary I read. This lady has been writing to her son for the last TWENTY years. TWENTY YEARS!! I guess he died in 1994, almost 15 years before you did. I dreamed about you the other night. I can’t remember the dream now. But I do still think about you. Do you think about me ever?If you do, shoot me some kind of sign that I’ll recognize, okay? There are days I miss you so bad, I can taste it. But I keep on keepin’ on. What else can I do? I love you more than life buddy.
Fkdlajfjalsf…. Thank god I’m not god. One person’s grieving their dead son and the next wants to be a dead son??? *** Good news- Frank said yes to more hours. Bad news- now I actually have to work them. There’s nothing worse than the feeling of impending doom. In one hour, I will be attempting to fit my fat ass on a tiny bar stool. There will be paper slips coming at me from every direction with requests for the same 10 songs I’d rather die than hear another time in my life. (Sweet Caroline, All Star, Closing Time, Sweet Caroline, Wagon Wheel, Halleluiah, Don’t Stop Beleivin’). THEN drunk people who think their voices are god’s gift to man will keep signing up. If I see a name more than once I start putting them in the “done” pile. Nobody who walks into this karaoke bar deserves to be heard more than once. Then people come up for a duet, and naturally stand 0.5 inches away from each other and the speaker. When all the equipment starts to shriek, they look at me. As if I did something to cause it. Then the angry drunk comes up and wants to know why his song isn’t playing. Meanwhile there’s a 65 year old woman sitting in the crowd waiving her hands slowly in the air really feeling the moment- singing along with the song, closing her eyes and scrunching up her face. Mom was definitely one of those “too passionate” types. She used to stop in at the karaoke bar, and stand up when she heard a song that really got her. She would smile and clap for each person who sang (no matter how awful). Mom may have encouraged the screaming banshees of the world, but she was actually pretty good herself. She wouldn’t ever sign up for anything at karaoke, but she always surprised me when she sang along to the radio.
*** I didn’t get back from work until 3 this morning… but can’t resist. The prayers call.
Same, man… Same. *** I don’t remember the last time Polly and I ate something other than frozen pizza. Walmart had a 10/ $10 deal. Polly ran out of the organic dog food mom bought her, and I’m not about to spend $30 on a 10 lb bag. But this pizza situation has a had a positive effect on our relationship. For the first time in 6 years, Polly laid her head on my chest as we enjoyed 9 episodes of “Wilfred”. *** I’ve spent the past few days trying to sell the domain. I mean I’m getting up to 150,000 hits per day. The highest offer I’ve gotten so far is $80. I thought at least I’d make a few thousand by now. I might as well read them while I still have them.
Dear God: PLEASE FORGIVE ME OF MY SINS, PLEASE ACCEPT MY 2 DEAR FRIENDS MY CATS ADELE AND FLOYD,, I NEEDED TO PUT THEM DOWN,,, THEY WERE UNCOMFORTABLE,, GOD BLESS THEM,,PLESE HELP ME TO TELL PETE THAT THEY ARE JUST MISSING ,,I AM SORRY I HAVE TO LIE,, PLEASE FORGIVE ME ,,, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART… AMEN This is awful. The worst. Polly is probably the worst dog to ever exist. But if I had to put her down… I couldn’t. *** $80 is still the highest bid. I guess I can see why. It’s hard to read these things day after day. Some of them are so freaking selfish (actually…most are selfish. See chart below). Some are just depressing.
***
I went to dear god.com this morning. My own words stared at me from the webpage.
--- Write and your prayers will be heard. --- Dear God: I felt uncomfortable being on the other side of this. I think I feel uncomfortable being on this end of it too. I guess it’s because I don’t have anything in particular to ask for. Or really anything in particular to say. It could be worse. Thank you. Marc